Death’s Salty Hands Comes A Knocking

I recently had a brush with death, one of the most scary experiences in my entire life. And NO, it had nothing to do with my motorcycle.

I was watching game one of the Spurs/Lakers series. The game was in LA so it was on later than usual, about 11:00 PM, and I knew I should not be eating anything, but a game is just not a game with out snacking. I got a glass of ice tea (my drink of choice) and grabbed a bag of chips from pantry. They were Julios Corn Tortilla Chip, something new my mom found and liked so she got me a bag. They had a different seasoning with a hint of lime, not at all like any tortilla chip I have had before. Did not particularly like them but unconsciously keep eating as the game progressed. Then it happened…the unthinkable…I thought I was going to die. Somehow the Spurs blew a 20+ point lead in the 3rd quarter and lost the game!!! My two favorite teams lost, the Spurs and anyone playing the Lakers. Disgusted I went to bed. Little did I know what was coming next.

I was sound a sleep and dreaming, when all of a sudden I snapped awake. It was about 1:30 AM and there was a burring in my chest that went all the way up to the back of me throat. It tasted like those chip I was eating. I felt like I was going to throw-up so I sprang from the bed for the bathroom. About the time I found the toilet I came to a frightening realization, I could not breath. My throat was not only on fire it had closed up. Seriously, no oxygen was getting through. It dawned on me that it must be acid reflux (which I have never had) combined with an allergic reaction to those stinking tortilla chips!! I thought “great, this is how I am going to die“, not on my motorcycle, not getting hit in the head with a softball, not in a deer blind, but with my head in a toilet killed by an allergic reaction to some bad tortilla chips.

I have friends that are allergic to nuts, bee stings and shell fish among other things. They all carry an EpiPen, which is this big honken horse needle with a massive syringe looking thing filled with epinephrine (a.k.a. adrenaline) that you take and jab into yourself when you have an allergic reaction. I use to think “There is no way I could stick that thing in my leg!! I would rather just die!” Let me tell you, that night doubled over the toilet not being able to breath I was thinking “Give me a damn EpiPen!!!” I would have jabbed it where ever I needed to if it meant breathing again. I did not care where, my leg, my arm, right or left cheek (uper or lower set), my temple, my eye, name the body part and I would not have thought twice about pulling the gray cap and driving it home. (For a funny YouTube demonstration on how to use a EpiPen with a Star Wars twist click here).  To see a guy use one for the first time click here.

Then another rush of acid hit my throat and I coughed, and when I coughed I realized that for few seconds I could breathe. So I coughed again and caught another breath. Now about this time Mollie heard me in the bathroom and sprung out of bed. Her first question was “Do you feel sick? Are you ok? “ But she was still about half asleep so it came out “Duu goo feee ick? Aww gooo ouukk?”

Of course I tried to answer, but I still could not get a full breath so all that came out was “I caa breee…” before I ran out of air and had to cough to get another breath, which prompted Mollie to ask “You can what?”

“No…can’t bre…..”
“Can’t Bre…what?
“Can’t bree…”
“What can’t you do?”

This went on for about a minute until my throat stated to open back up and I was able to breath and speak again. it was about ten minutes before I could breathe normal. Once I got some deep breaths I went back to bed, but my throat was still on fire with the taste of those chips.

The next morning Mollie and I were talking about my episode. I mentioned how I wish we had an EpiPen cause I was so desperate to breath that I would have stuck myself.

“Oh, you mean this?” She said as she proceeded to pull an EpiPen from the bathroom drawer that was within arms reach of where I was crouched over the porcelain alter fighting for life the night before. I’m like “you have got to be freaking kidding me. We have one of those things?”

Now normally I end my blog with some profound thought, life analogy or funny twist. There is one here, I know there is, however right now I am still freaked out that I almost became the poster boy for having an EpiPen handy around the house and knowing where it is. O.k. now that I know where it is somebody pass the chips, (just not THOSE chips).